Digital Love Help

I just signed up for theicebreak website. Maybe ironically. I'm not sure yet.

As far as I can make out, the site encourages you to take the pulse of your relationship from time to time then makes recommendations based on how satisfied you say you are with things like the amount of quality time you've spent with your [insert term of affection of your choice here - you can use "sweet baboo" as my boss does if you're drawing a blank].

I rated my relationship as healthy, since I'm shortly moving in with my [cutie pie] and frankly over the moon about it. However, she's out of the country for a couple weeks, so I rated my overall satisfaction with amount of quality time as lowest of the things I was asked about. Theicebreak suggests an evening of boardgames, which tells me two things: First, theicebreak is an elderly lady in a floral print dress (it's second suggestion was to take a bath or soak my feet!!).

Second, it has never seen me or my [sassy little monkeypants] play a board game. My [boo] and I are seldom competitive with one another, but we are in fact both crazy competitive where stupid games are involved. I fear theicebreak has found an efficient, if boring as hell, way to break us up. Thanks a lot website!

My next experiment is to tell it I'm finding our physical relationship lacking and see what terrible terrible idea it suggests. "Have you considered hugging?" I'll get back to you on what it comes up with.

In other ways, the site seems like email for couples who are at that stage in their true love where they have run out of things to talk about and decided it was best to stop. It encourages you to share pictures just for your [beloved] - and for the news media if you're Anthony Wiener or any number of ethics-touting/aggressively anti-gay GOP heavies. It also gives you ideas about "Icebreakers" to share with your partner. Some of these seem like things you should have talked about on dates 4-8. Others seem like excuses for fights.

In the former camp are questions like "what's the sexiest part of your partner's body." Guys, it's their personality. In the latter are softballs like "would you rather grow old with someone you settled for or be alone when you are older because you never found true love." Holy crap. That's specifically not a question for your [dear sweet smoocheyface]. It's a question for overly earnest college seniors in a WB movie that reimagines the Great Gatsby as a bittersweet rom-com set at NYU all about the trials of joining adulthood.

Still, sometimes technology confounds our best predictions. Twitter, as it turns out, has very little to do with the rampant narcissism everyone thought it would fuel and be fueled by. I'll wait and see. I'm pretty sure my [north, my south, my certain azimuth] will not be going for this nonsense. I'm pretty sure that's one of the reasons I like her so much.