My butt is so furious at the environment right now!http://www.guardian.co.uk/environment/2009/feb/26/toilet-roll-america
Apparently, if it's the least bit fun or pleasant it will either kill you stone dead or wreck the world for your children. Soft toilet paper is worse for the environment than Hummers?
I have to presume that's partly because not everyone puts a Hummer underneath themself a few times a week.
So everything good is bad. Sex, if it isn't just complicating relationships, increases unwanted exposure to herpes, crabs, back-ache, the HPV, the HIV and, in particular worst-case scenarios, the FBI.
Cigarettes cause lung cancer; Drink causes fights, cirrhosis, and unwise 2 AM shouts/chats at/with people best left uncalled; And weed, it turns out, after lying to us about being totally blameless and all mis-characterized and whatnot by administrations Nixon through W, causes ball-cancer.
Delicious food makes you fat; And wine, eggs, butter and olive oil can't seem to make up their goddamn minds what's up, thereby raising blood pressure and generalized angst about the whole mess.
Don't you dare console yourself with a goddamn carbohydrate! Don't you dare!
And as we should probably expect by now, what we put in ourselves is only half the problem. We're also wrecking the world when that crap (quite literally) comes out the other end. Did you want to nurture and pamper your bum with a soft toilet tissue? Did you want to enjoy a brief, private respite from the abrasive vicissitudes of life while you're at your most unguarded and vulnerable? Oh! You did?
Well why don't you just go skull-fuck the Lorax while you're in such a festive, feckless mood, you filthy monster!?!?! Turns out it's all the same in the end.
Christ, what next? Cuddling with your children gives puppies buboes? Lollipops foment civil unrest in Indonesia? You know what caused the worldwide financial meltdown? You did. By enjoying a sunset, you insensitive jerk.
Life can suck it! If I can't poop in comfort without being the Devil, I don't see why we shouldn't just cut to the chase and strip mine ANWR with an ICBM, just you know, for the spectacle.
If it's all the same to the Universe, I'm going to start wiping my ass with chinchillas from here on out and be done with it.
They look soft at least.
Also, there's this, which by contrast is rollicksome tragicomedy: http://ecoworldly.com/2009/02/26/extremely-rare-bird-photographed-for-first-time-then-eaten/
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